A Confession and Request for Prayer

As I start a new blog, where I hope to post on variety of topics and give updates on how and what Maggie and I are doing in the future, I want to begin with a confession and request for prayer.

For more than two years I have been sinfully discontent with the circumstances of my life.

A few years ago when I discovered the doctrine of God's sovereignty I fell in love with the doctrine. I loved to teach it; I preached it every opportunity I had. In one of my preaching classes I actually got reamed pretty good, by a fellow Calvinist, for bringing God's sovereignty into a text where it didn't really belong. What I've realized over the last couple of years is that I like the doctrine better than I like the reality of living under God's sovereignty.

In October 2012 on the night that Maggie and I made the final decision that we were leaving Beijing for Malaysia and made a list of things we wanted to do before we left, we saw a store that sold home decorations. Maggie made the comment that it looked so homey, and in that moment it really hit me that I wanted a home. I wanted to settle down in one place and make a home with Maggie. What's happened over the last two years couldn't be much different than what I wanted, and still want. We were only in Malaysia for six months. In Indonesia we're about to move into our third apartment in less than 18 months. None of my plans and desires for work and ministry have come to fruition. I'm working a job I don't enjoy in a city I don't like at all.

I see that God is waging an all-out assault on my affections for this world, my desires for comfort and security in something or someone other than Him. I see it, and yet I don't like it. I've responded not by pressing into God, pursuing after Him, but distancing myself from Him. I've been bitter, angry, and resentful for much of the last year, particularly the last four months.

I've been aware of these things for quite some time, but have pushed them down and ignored them. Now, the Spirit has brought me to a place where I can no longer ignore my sinful attitudes. I must repent and seek restoration. I must echo the cry of David in Psalm 51.

Discontentment, grumbling, and complaining are not often thought of as “major” sins. Scripture says something different though. In Numbers 21 God sent a plague of fiery serpents on the people of Israel because they complained, saying, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.” God had provided everything they needed, but rather than responding with gratefulness and worship, they complained because what God had given was not satisfying to them. In Deuteronomy 28, when God is telling the people what the curses for disobedience will be if they do not obey the Law, he tells them that they will be taken into captivity, “Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things.”

Grumbling, complaining, ingratitude – these are sins that resulted in serious consequences for the people of Israel. Why? Because the root of these sins, the root of every sin, is unbelief. When I'm unsatisfied with what God has given me, even though he has given me more than enough, it reveals that I don't believe that God is enough, that God loves me, that God knows what is best for me. In short, it reveals that I think I would be a better god than God, and that is a deathly error. It is the very same error that brought the curse of sin upon this world when Adam and Eve disbelieved God and ate the fruit.

And it is particularly heinous to wallow in self-pity on this side of the cross. I know that my sins have been forgiven by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I know that where I was once an enemy of God, condemned under His just and holy wrath, I have now been reconciled. I know that where I was once spiritually dead and deserving of eternal death in Hell, God has made me alive together with Christ because of the great love with which he has loved us – not only in this life but with the sure promise of eternal life in glory. Yet I get angry, even resentful, because I don't have a few temporal things I want and have to deal with some challenges I'd rather not deal with?

Thank God for His mercy, His patience, His lovingkindness. Thank God that he knew the wickedness of my heart, the ingratitude I would often harbor, and sent Jesus to pay my ransom anyway. Thank God that one day He will deliver this wretched man from this body of death.

I have identified some specific changes that I need to make – certain behaviors and habits that tend to feed my discontent rather than leading to gratitude and praise. I won't detail those things here today, but please do pray as I seek to make changes and fight for joy rather than continuing to feel sorry for myself and demand that God do what I want him to do.

Please pray for me, and pray for Maggie, as we work through these issues together.